My letter to you
by beem01
Summary: Edward is in coma after an attempted suicide. His mother Esme writes a letter about her life withoute him. You get to read about her pain and lonleiness.


I found you yesterday, in your room. It was dark. The whole atmosphere in the room was just depressing. You where in your bed. I thought you were asleep and so you were you, in a sense. Then I saw the cans, empty all of them!

The ambulance arrived after ten minutes. But for me it felt like an eternity. After 15 minutes I sat in the waiting room. I know you tried to take your life. You had talked about death before, about how nice it would be to avoid all the misery. You don't know. You can't know how it's like to die, not more than anyone else. I think that you want to hide and that you're really afraid of dying. You "just" want the attention. But I don't know, you never talk to me anymore. When I ask I get no proper response. "What is it? How are you? Need to talk?" The questions that I never hear the answers to. "Nothing. Good. No, I do not need to talk. Just leave me alone! Is this some freaking cross-examination or what!?" That's what I get from you, if I'm lucky, but usually Im not.

Im sitting in the waiting room. They are gastric lavaging you right now. I want to cry but I can't, must not! I need to save the tears until they are really needed. I don't know when that is but hopefully not now.  
- Esme Cullen?  
- Yes?  
- The gastric lavage went well. He is unfortunately still in a coma.  
But he will probebly wake up soon. Follow me and I will take you to his room.

My little darling, you've been in a coma a long time now! It all started last Tuesday and today is Friday. I'm afraid that I'm never going to see you awake again. If you don't wake up, I don't know what to do. Everything in my world would crumble, my whole life.

Everything in me is hurting. All my organs have been "stabbed". But it's my heart who hurts the most. It's surprising that it's still beating. It beating painful in my chest. Dunk, dunk. It hurts. Please wake up!

It would be impossible to live without you. It would be wrong if you died. A child should not die before their parents, it's not supposed to be like that. How would I be able to continue living if I knew that you were ded? What if you never come back to me?

It started to snow this morning. For the first time this year. When you fell into a coma, it was still autumn. It's been a month. One month is not such a long time. I understand that. But it feels like an eternity since I saw your open eyes.

It hurts. I feel pain im my whole body when I go to bed at the evening. When I wake up at night it hurts and I can't go back to sleep. But especially when I wake up in the morning and know you will "miss" one more day. It feels like a worm that eats me from inside. It steals all the energy. I feel weak. My thoughts are becoming slower. I'm not used to feeling like this! I'm not used to not function! I know I have the "right" not function, as I usually do. But still ...  
How long will you be away from me? How much more you will "miss"? Will you ever wake up again?

Yesterday I was out walking with my girlfriend, Melinda. You know, the woman with curly hair. Suddenly she said: "What if Edward never wakes up!" I wanted to shout at her not to say that. But I know it's true. You might never wake up again.

Sometimes I dream about "rewinding" the time. Then I would hold you in my arms. Say that everything will be fine. We will fix it, together. Life is ok to be living anyway! But then i get thrown back to the awful reality again, where you actually are coma.  
My beloved little friend, I miss you so!

Your class was here today. They brought lots of flowers and chocolate. They had to go in twos. Some cried, others just stared at the floor. Bella had brought with her some of your favorite cd's. She cried most of all. I think she has a thing for you. At least it seems like that. Right now, as I write this, I'm listening to the song Hotel California by The Eagles. It's good but a bit sad. I thought you liked happy songs. I obviously don't know you that well nowadays.

I've thought a lot about the past six months. Could I have done anything differently? Would I have given you more time? Could I have appreciated you more? Given you more credit when you did something good? Yes, I should have! I should have told you mean to me, how much I love you!  
Do you ever doubt my love for you?

You're so big now, 17 years, today. I can't belive it was that long ago since you were a baby. For me, you will always be my child, my little baby! My beloved little Edward Anthony Cullen!

You woke up the day after your birthday. My life was complete! It's been a while since I wrote to you. I've prioritized a little different since you woke up. You where confused when I said you were at the hospital and not at home in your own bed. You knew, even though you dident remember. You're happy that you dident succeede ending you're life. I am too. Nowdays I tell you that i love you much more then before. I'm not working so much eather. I have woken up from _my_ coma. It's terrible that you would need to "awake me" that way, that you have to suffer for my mistakes. Thats over now!

I love you, my sweet little baby boy! You are my everything!

Mom


End file.
